


It Has Always Been You

by callmeRy



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Drama, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 16:56:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9194474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmeRy/pseuds/callmeRy
Summary: Beca finally makes a decision.





	1. As You Turn Away

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance for misspelling or wrong grammar. English is not my first language.  
> Enjoy.  
> Thanks for reading. And I appreciate any correction and critique.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is another Fic I made inspired by a song. As You Turn Away by Lady Antebellum.  
> It's Jesse's POV.

I know this day will come. Believe me I do. I can feel it since a long time ago. Maybe if I wasn't so deep in denial, I would have seen- No. I shouldn't have let this come to this point.

It's on both of us. Because we both do know. Know better than to let this keep rolling for way too long. Know better than to start something that we weren't sure we could finish together.

You love her. You have always been. I know that. Your feelings for her has never change.

That part, is not my fault. And frankly, after three years we've been together, I don't think I haven't done anything to reach out for you. I keep reaching out for you. Not only to make you stay. But to make you love me.

However, now I have to admit. I fail. Miserably.

So here we are. It's one in the morning and we're in a hotel room. My hotel room.

I know it as soon as I open the door and see your defeated look. You're done trying to love me. You're done denying your true love. And I know that it has always been reserved for her.

Only her.

I know it. You know it. And she knows it too.

I let you in, and we just stand there in the middle of the room. In silent. We don't have anything to say. Not anymore. We both know that there's nothing left to say that can change anything between us.

There's nothing left to give. I've given all I have to you. And you've given your best shot. We've given what we could've given to this relationship. Yet it's still not enough. So yeah. There is nothing left to give too.

And there is nothing left to break either. You've been breaking my heart for three years. As well as hers. And in the process, you also have broken yours. We; you and I, have done breaking each other. By pushing to go on in this relationship. So yeah. Nothing left to break either.

I simply look down at the floor. Waiting for the inevitable break-up. Still in silent. Not my strongest suit. Has never been. I like to talk. I talk a lot. But not now. Not this time.

You on the other hand, have always been a none-talker. You're not good with words. That's why I can feel your arms wrap around my waist and your head on my chest.

"Sorry."

That is the only word you can breathe out. And I know that it's your best effort.

The only thing I can do is swallowing the lump in my throat. Hard. But when I feel that you're pulling away, I put my arms around your back.

Honestly, I don't want to let you go. I don't think I can. Even though I know for sure that you're already gone. From a long time ago. But I'm still hoping that you'd stay. Who am I kidding? I love you. To the moon and back. To infinity and beyond. I love you.

And even for a little while, if I could, I'd make you stay. Just for a little bit longer.

Maybe you know that. Maybe you understand. Because with my arms around you, you simply pull back a little bit to look at me.

Again, you are not good with words, Beca. You know it. I know it. She knows it. Everybody else know it.

But the thing you don't know is that, your eyes say it all. I can easily read you only by looking into your eyes.

And so does she. Maybe better than I can. Maybe.

Right now, your eyes are showing sadness. It's your wounded look. You've never showed me that look. But I've seen it before. When she dated someone else. You were wounded.

I knew it back then that it was her effort to move on from you. But you didn't know that.

But you being you, you didn't say anything at all that you were not only jealous. You were hurt.

Well me being me, I didn't need you to say anything at all to know that you were not only jealous. You were hurt.

And her being her, she didn't need you to say anything at all too to know that you were not only jealous. You were hurt.

That's why she doesn't date anybody else after that. For more than two years. Crazy. But I understand. Seeing those wounded eyes on your beautiful face is too heart wrenching. I will stop dating too if I were her. I can't see you hurt. Especially if it is because of me.

I can't hurt you. And so does she.

At first, I wondered why she'd never told you about her feelings. Not even when she finally realized that you feel the same way.

I found my answer when you finally told me about your parents. She doesn't want to be a home wrecker, that at the same time will put you in your father's position years ago. A cheater? Maybe. A liar? Possibly. But the foremost reason is that she can't ask you leave me for her. Like Sheila had asked your father to leave you and your Mom.

She can't do that to you. To us. You have to make the decision on your own. Not after she tells you that she loves you. You have to make the decision regardless of how she feels about you. You have to make the decision in regard of your own feeling. Just so you can learn to take a responsibility of every decision you make.

Weird. I know. But that's her way of loving you. A kind of love that wants you to grow up. Selfless.

But you? You have been selfish. You have been denying your feelings to her. A feeling called love.

I remember it clearly how you call it. A stupid little thing called love. For you, being in love is stupid. No. Being in love makes you stupid. Making yourself vulnerable in the open to be hurt by someone else is being stupid. For you. And you deny it with all of your being.

But I know you Beca. And so does she. You are too scared to admit that you love her more than life itself. That you chose me because I was the safe option. Still am. You don't love me enough to give me such power to destroy you. I don't have such power over you.

On the other hand, she has that power. To destroy you. Your wall. Your protection. Your fragile sensitive heart. That you have been trying so hard to keep to yourself. But try as hard as you might, only by one look, one harmony, in a bathroom, and you were a goner. For her. Still are.

Yep. She has that power over you. But she doesn't use it. She loves you too much to use that power to hurt you. Instead, she stands on the sidelines, waiting, hoping, wishing, that one day you will come around.

And apparently, that one day is today. I think. Maybe. The day after World Championship. A day before you all go back home and have your separate ways.

I sigh deeply. Still staring at your eyes. Your steely blue eyes. It's been a while. But you're still staring at me with those eyes.

Hurtful eyes.

And I know it's not because you're hurting. Well, I know you're hurting. But that hurt in your eyes are for me. Because you don't want to hurt me. You've never wanted to. But you have to. And you feel bad for that. You feel devastated for hurting me.

I know that you wouldn't do this if there is any other way. But you- No. I mean us. You and I. We've been dragging this heavy burden for way too long.

Believe me. I know it. You know it. And she knows it too.

And it will only bring pain to us even more in the end if we don't stop. There is no other way to stop the hurt other than to cauterize the wound we've kept open for a long time. Even though it will hurt for a while. But it will heal. With no long-term damage. Hopefully.

Strangely, I don't feel hurt right now. I don't feel like crying. I can feel a hole in my chest. But it doesn't hurt me. I can feel it spreading this... numbness all over my body though. And it helps. So no. I'm not hurt neither wounded. I'm numb.

You kiss my cheek. And it feels bitter sweet. Really. Because I know, you don't like doing this too. Saying goodbye to me. To us. In fact, you don't like saying goodbye at all.

I know it. You know it. And she knows it. Why do you think she stays for another three years at Barden?

For The Bellas, she keeps saying.

For you, is the truth.

Because she knows just how much you hate to say goodbye.

Weird. Stupid even. I know. But again, that's just the way she loves you. A kind of love that shows a promise to stay. No matter what the circumstances are. Even when you didn't choose her.

Now I see you smile. A faint sad smile as you put your hands on my arms and rub it up and down. Then you draw your hand down my arm to hold my hands. And it hurt. Because the numbness is wearing off. And I start to feel this pang under my diaphragm.

It's the final touch. That's why it starts to hurt. It's suffocating.

In any second, you and I will be separated. I know that. And I also know that the final touch will hurt.

Nothing...

Nothing Beca...

Nothing's going to hurt as much as this final touch. I know that too.

Yet at the same time, I also don't want to let you go. I can't. I can't be the one to let go first. So I need you to let my hand go. To put me out of my misery. And you seem to get it. The pain I'm bearing. So you pull your hand back and put them in your jeans pocket.

And the pain. God, the pain. I have to close my eyes to hold it in. And my lungs... it just stops working. I can't breath. I can't. But I swallow hard to open up my trachea. I can't be broken down. Not right now. Not in front of you. I'm a man. And damn it, I have to stay strong.

So I clench my jaw, my hands, and every muscle in my body. I just stand there stiffly. Afraid that if I move a muscle, or do so much as breathing, I will fall apart.

I need to save my dignity. Once again. Because I'm a man. And I'm thankful that you don't say anything. Maybe you know.

We stay silent for a long while. Until I'm ready. Until I have no any other choice but to be ready.

Still with my eyes close, I open my mouth slightly to inhale. And it is the worst idea ever. As the air fill my lungs; my brain and senses come back to work. Just like that, and my body is being crushed by pain. It hurts everywhere.

But I keep on breathing. I know it will pass. I hope. It has to. Or I won't survive. So I just keep breathing.

"Can we still be friends?" I hear you mutter in barely a whisper.

Again, I swallow and open my eyes. I stare at you with my now teary eyes. You are looking away, couldn't bring yourself to look me in the eyes, rocking your body back and forth anxiously.

It must have been hard for you too. I know. Because we weren't only boyfriend and girlfriend. We were also best friend. Still are. Maybe. I really hope we can be friends. Like that so I can still have you in my life.

I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. My body won't give out an answer my brain has. There is this lump, choking and blocking me from talking. So I cough it out as soft as I could and speak. The words though, the words surprise me. And apparently, you too.

"I'm sorry Beca. I can't. I can't see you as friends. Not after everything we've been through."

Certainly, it wasn't the answer I planned to give you. And surely, it wasn't the answer you were hoping for. I can see it in your eyes. So when you open up your mouth, I hurriedly add almost in pleading, "Please understand..."

You close your mouth and nod dejectedly. I can see that you are on the verge of crying too.

And that's it. This is it. It's coming to an end. You simply give me one last faint smile and turn around.

You are heading to the door. As you turn away, I count your steps, Beca. It's painful. One step my heart is breaking. And one more I can feel my hands are shaking. But I keep looking, watching, staring with blurry eyes as I let the love of my life walk away.

The door is closing behind you. And there is nothing more I can do. To change it. To stop the time. To stop the pain. To stop you. Nothing.

Just as the door slammed closed, I can't hold it anymore. And I fall on my knees. Finally giving up to the pain. Eventually surrender to the tears.

You've turned away. And I let you. Turned away. From me. From my love.


	2. Leave Your Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beca finally makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is Chloe's POV. Based on Leave Your Lover by Sam Smith.  
> Enjoy. Hopefully.  
> Thank you for reading. And I appreciate the respond, correction, and critique.

 

There is this annoying knocking by the door. The hotel room door. And it pulls me out of my slumber. I reach my phone, opening one eye to check what time it is. Two in the morning.

The knocking doesn't stop. I groan but I get up nevertheless to open it. Only in my short and shirt.

I'm stunned to see that it's you on the other side. A sobbing you.

"Chlo..." You cry out.

And I pull you in immediately. I lay you on the bed before I myself lay next to you. You clutch your hands on my shirt and rest your forehead on my chest. Curling and clinging close to me. Shaking, sobbing, and choking in tears.

I do nothing but rubbing you on your back and kissing the top of your head. Trying to soothe you without any word to say.

Don't get me wrong, Becs. I want it so badly to know why you are crying. Or just to tell you that I got you. But I can find out later. And you already know that I got you. Because I always have.

Anything else can wait until later. After you stop crying. After you are ready to tell me.

So I let you cry. You cry for a long while. And honestly, this is the first time you ever cry this hard. Even with me. I've never seen you like this before.

I simply sigh and tighten my arms around you. I want you to feel safe. I want you to feel soothed. I want you to feel loved.

Because I don't have much to give Becs. To you especially. Not money, not gold either. And I don't care. I know you need someone to hold you. So here I am. Holding you. Loving you. Just like I've always been in the past four years.

Since you came into my life, I felt like I've lost my direction. But the more I think about it, the more I know how wrong I was. Because actually, I've found my new direction.

You.

And I just follow, rolling down this road you're taking.

With you.

For you.

And I've been waiting. At the sidelines. Just for a slight wishful thinking that one day you'll bring me in. From the cold. Into your warm embrace.

"It's not a wishful thinking, Chloe." Aubrey said to me a year ago. She was in town for me. It was after I failed my Russian Lit for the third time.

For The Bellas, I keep saying.

For you, is the truth.

And you? You were going out on a date that night. With him.

I knew Aubrey was staring at me when I saw you from behind. Greeting him by the door, calling out his name, and giving him a chaste kiss.

It hurt. For me. Certainly.

And because she was my best friend – _still is_ , she knew that I'd be waiting for you to come home that night. Yeah. Because you'd go to the date, hoping to have a good time, but you almost always came back home in upset.

I knew it.

So I would wait for you. Even when sometimes, rarely, you didn't come home at all. But I kept on waiting. Just so I could be there for you if the date went south.

And you'd never know. I know Becs. You'd never know the endless night, or the rhyming of the rain when I waited for you. But I didn't care – _still don't_. I'd wait anyway. Because that's just the way I love you. I wanted to be there for you. Still do.

"It's a wistful thinking, Chloe. Not wishful." Aubrey added when I didn't respond to her warning. "You're ruining your life for something that you can't have."

I remember how painful the stab from the words felt in my chest. But I put on a smile and said, "I know Bree. But I love her."

She knew how stubborn I could be for the things I love the most. So she simply sighed and shook her head.

So here I am Becs. I'm here with you. For you. To keep you safe. To keep you loved. And I've been here for four years now.

But tomorrow... Tomorrow we'll be going on our separate ways. Tomorrow you'll go to L.A. and I'll go to New York. I will be across the country from you.

I sigh. And you are still crying. So I let you cry while my mind wander, get lost, thinking about you. About me. About us.

Believe me Becs. I want nothing but to pack up and just leave everything. For you. To be with you. But I won't. Not this time. Not when you can't see what I can bring. To you. For you.

I've done my parts Becs. For four years. I have.

Asking you to join The Bella.

Waiting for you to come to the audition.

Making you come back after semi.

Staying for another three years.

Failing Russian Lit exams that I can do in my sleep for three times.

Being your shadow as co-captain for three years in a row.

Basically, jeopardizing my future just to stay with you.

I'm not saying that it's your fault. No. I made those decisions with full conscience of the consequences. I know what I'm doing Becs. I know myself. And I know you love me too. So I've been waiting for you to come around. Still waiting. At least until tomorrow.

The time has come, and I'm on my last straw. Not because I stop loving you. I still do. But I just can't put my life on hold for you anymore. Especially since you are going to spread your wings out in the world too.

I admit, honestly, I can't keep my heart out at bay. I can't be too far from you. And I will give you all of me, Becs. Believe me. I will. And I want to.

But you're not ready. And I don't know when you will be ready. Heck. I don't even know if you'll ever be ready. So I hope this separation, you going to L.A. and me going to New York, it will put me out of my misery. Set my midnight sorrow free.

Now your tears are subsiding. You're still sniffling softly though. So I kiss the top of your head again. And you lean in closer into the crook of my neck. I can feel your warm breath on my skin. But still, I say nothing. We say nothing.

And my mind trail its way back to last night. The night when we won The World championship. We sat by the hotel bar, raising our glass and getting drunk with our sisters.

By the end of the night, we were so wasted. And I remember how one by one, each of us started to say and feel that we're growing old. Talking about soon enough we'll have to carry the weight of the world on our own. Because we're adults now.

For me? I've been carrying the weight of the world for a while now. The weight of being in love with you and all of the consequences that follow. Though I know you love me too, I'm not so sure if you know how I feel. And I think you don't. Ever.

Because I've been keeping it to myself. Other than Aubrey that found out of her own, I never told anybody else. I never plan to tell you anyway. You'd be torn and hurt. And I want to spare you the raising storms.

And it's okay. Starting from tomorrow, it will be okay. I hope.

We'll be away from each other. I won't have to feel the hurt of loving you from up close. And it means I can start learning to move on with my life. Without you. Without hurting you.

And again, it's okay. I think.

Even if I can't have you and have to walk this life alone. It's going to be okay Becs. Hopefully. I'll just let the river flow and see where life takes me to wherever I will be. Without you.

I was so busy conversing in my head that I just noticed how you have fallen asleep. In my arms. Again. This isn't something new. We've been sleeping on the same bed for so many times that I lost counts.

I pull away to look at your sleeping face. Your innocent sleeping face. It's only when you're asleep that all the crinkle on your forehead gone, and the smirk or the scowl turn into a light smile.

And I'm so sorry. Maybe it's because we're leaving. Maybe it's because this is going to be the last night we're together. Maybe I want to let you know, even only in your subconscious. I just couldn't help myself to kiss your forehead and whisper, "I love you Becs. If only you can leave him... For me."

"I did." I hear you mumble.

And I am stunned.

_Shit! What have I done?!_

I am still in shock when you open your eyes, staring at me and say, "I did, Chlo. I left him. For you."

For as long as I have lived, I've never been left speechless. Not even with Aubrey's pukegate. Until now. I can see that you are holding a laughter. Maybe my face is so ridiculous in my shocking phase.

I can see you, flicking your eyes up and down between my eyes and lips. But I can't say anything. I can't do anything. I'm frozen up.

"May I?" You ask softly with your eyes on my lips.

I blink. The only thing I can do is blinking. Painstakingly slowly. One time. Another one. Then the third time. It took me three slow blinking to finally give you a light nod. I'm not even sure if you notice it.

But it seems like you do. Because you are inching closer. Your eyes are on mine. And your hand find its way to the back of my neck. But still, I lay there like a rock. Unresponsive.

Then your lips are on mine. My brain becomes silent. And my senses take over. And suddenly I can feel my heartbeat again. I can breathe again. I close my eyes and kiss you back. Slowly. Gently.

And my hand? It just automatically finds its way to your back. To pull you closer.

We kiss.

We. Kiss.

You and I. Kissing.

For God knows how long.

And I don't want to stop. God knows that too. But we need some air. No. Not us. Our lungs and organs need some oxygen. So you pull away. Only a little bit before you rest your forehead on mine.

Then we just breathe together. Savoring the feeling that the kiss have left. It's the most peaceful and content silent I've ever experience. Even with you. We just stare at each other, getting lost in each other's eyes. Unaware of a soft smile that has appear on our own faces.

"I left him Chlo." Eventually you speak. "For you."

It takes me a while until I respond, "For me? You mean... for us?"

You chuckle and say, "There will be us. If you want to."

Oh God also knows how badly I've wanted that. But we're going on our own way. And it isn't something that we can change in one night.

"What about New York and L.A.?" I finally ask. I know it will become a major determinant in our decision-making. In our... relationship. Wait a second. I'm not even sure if we are in one.

"There will be no L.A." You reply nonchalantly. As if it isn't a big deal. "Only New York."

"But your dream." I say instantly.

"I already have my dream." You say again. Still as nonchalant. "Here. In my arms."

And I couldn't help the heat flushing up from my neck to my face. Making it as read as my hair. I think.

"I mean your job Becs." I mutter softly.

"I already got another offer in NY. I just haven't told anybody yet." You say again. This time with a smug smirk on your face.

"But it has always been L.A. for you." I say stubbornly, even though my head is telling me to stop talking because you want to be with me.

You shrug. I know you're just trying to look nonchalant this time. And you are failing. So I wait. I just stare at you, waiting for the honest answer. And I think I have literally melted when you shyly say, "It has always been you for me."

And I smile as a relieved sigh escape between my lips. Then you caress my cheek. And I have to close my eyes because it feels so warm in my chest.

"You've been waiting for four years." I hear you mutter.

My eyes shot open and I blurt out, "You knew?"

It must have been funny to you because you scoff, rolling your eyes before you say, "Of course I do. You're not exactly subtle you know."

And I chuckle upon hearing your answer, looking into your steely blue eyes and ask, "Are you sure?"

"More than anything." You reply without hesitation. "I love you Chlo."

A huge grin split over my face. And I have to bite my bottom lip to prevent it from literally tearing my face apart. The feeling... this warm feeling in my chest, the fluttering in my stomach, they are all unbearable.

Four years. It has been four year. Four years of waiting. Four years of hoping. Four years of wishing. Four years of pinning. Four years of crying. Until I finally hear those words coming out from your lips for me. Me.

Then I take a deep breath and say, "I thought you'd never say that to me."

You shrug again. Acting as if it isn't a big deal for you. But I can see fondness in your eyes, Becs. Covered with a bit of nervous look. But still, I can feel the tenderness shining from your eyes. And apparently in your voice too when you add, "Yeah. I'm that dumb for making you wait for so long. For making us waiting all these time. But uhm... Not anymore. Like I said. It has always been you."

I smile with tears in my eyes and reply, "I love you too Becs."

Then a smile, a warm smile appear on your face as you lean closer and kiss me again.

 


End file.
